1 Mar

The Blog 2016 episode 3

The Blog 2016 episode 3

The Blog 2016 Episode 3



The Saturday before last Saturday I slept in. I woke up around 1 or 2. Having my new sushi service job I knew this would be my last free Saturday for a long time to come. I had no particular plans for this day aside from doing as absolutely little as possible. I would set new standards for lazy day nothingness and hopefully never even change out of my pajamas.

But that’s not what happened. Because I woke up to find a text message on my cell phone from the legendary Badtz Maru. I was a half asleep zombie pre-coffee when I read the text. It was something about taking a bus from Dayton and coming to visit. As I reread the message a strange tribal drum beat began to bounce around in my head. Adventure it sang.

For the rest of the day we texted back and forth. Badtz wanted to go to a dance music event/show thing. And there were several happening that night. I was not so keen for this. I cannot dance publicly sober. I cannot. I prefer the no need for transport security of a house party. So we texted every so often as I went about my day, walking to the library then Kroger. (Yes I’d given up on doing nothing by this point.)

When suddenly we both agree fuck it come to town and lets party! But it was so late in the day that Badtz could not get into town any sooner than 11:35pm. She’d missed the only bus that could have come earlier. Whatever we said this will be fun.

Mr Cool Guy, MCG, had to work this night. Finding myself alone I decided to invite friends over for pre Badtz fun and comradery. First was a friend who I’d been introduced to via Badtz, a Sam Pink Intellectual humorist, tall with red hair, I’ll call him Science. It was just us for an hour or so, we had beers and caught up on life.

Perhaps I should take this moment to tell you about the amazing eclectic apartment in which I live? First of all this building is old, it’s historical can’t tear it down old. Its, counter tops and doorway are kinda slanted, old. Its wooden floors, look through crack and see into the basement, old.

Anyway, MCG is a collector of oddities and antique. He’s also very good at making stuff. From the outside of the apartment you will find the interior string of keys to a long dead piano. Think of it like the spine of a corpse when most of the flesh has rotten away. Actually he has two. Above your head flying over the porch is a strand of Tibetan prayer flags, those are mine. Also, a hanging, dead because it’s winter, tomato plant, also mine. There are vines which wrap around the patio support pole, dip into the mail box, and weave into a deer skull in the top corner. There are three chairs sitting on the porch, all vintage and all of them you’d say should not be kept out of doors. (He also loves the signs of age on an object or piece of furniture.) Behind one of the chairs is an ancient scooter, rusty but whole. There is a Victorian doll head in a frog flower vase and an old weenier dog statue. Inside the first room is MCG’s studio. Huge canvases, shelves and shelves of paint and supplies. There are curtains that look like theatre curtains separating the two rooms. There is a shelf which features a coyote skull, jar of human teeth, and a framed four group of original world war 2 Nazi Germany Hitler stamps. Our living room/bedroom is a bit crowded admittedly. I have my desk in a corner by the window. I have a small cluster of things taped to the wall just above my desk, almost all the other walls are covered in MCG’s paintings (He mostly paints recreations and reworks of old master paintings. He really loves Velasquez and Caravaggio and Bacon). We have several book shelves all of which are full. There are three chairs, two of which he’d hand painted to be yellow brown, more solid than cushioned. They look very cool. I’ve got two water color moogles on the wall, posted over the door to my closet, almost touching the ceiling. I’ve got my one sculpture creature on the wall over a self. I’ve got a tiny crowded final fantasy shelf and some stuffed Disney characters hanging from his bear and beaver rusty metal traps which he hangs from both sides to the entry way to kitchen. We have plants in the kitchen. A sink, a fridge, and all that usual stuff. It’s admit-ably a very small kitchen.

So anyway Science noticed that our ceiling fan was disgustingly, impressively, filthy from years and years of not being cleaned. Previous renters, for probably well over a decade, had been ignoring this ceiling fan just as we have been. And it had become something of a recent joke when a previous house guest witnessed just how bad it was. Next thing I know Science is standing on a chair cleaning those thick thick layers of smoke, dust and who-knows-what from off the blades (which turned out to be white underneath.) the shameful thing is that it only took him three minutes to clean it.

Time charges forward as it will. And another friend I’d invited over arrived. This friend I shall call Bern Fairy for the fact that this person had dressed up as a fairy using Bernie Sanders campaign posters, wire hangers, red white and blue outfit and handed out Bernie Sanders stickers at this past Ohyacon. Bern Fairy has a preferred pronoun of They-Them which I shall refer to them as out of respect.

So anyway Bern Fairy showed up wearing a leopard print dress, black scarf ensemble and it’s like the party arrived. We partake of smoke and I just about show them my entire collection of shoes before someone stops me.

MCG returns from work. More beer, more smoke, and suddenly Badtz calls it’s 11:48 and she’s arrived. But none of us feel ok to drive and it’s walking distance so we say “Sorry”. We laugh we joke, and Badtz still hasn’t shown up. She says sorry stopped somewhere I’m on my way. Science finally gets tired of waiting for her to arrive, possibly realizes she must have stopped for a drink knowing that often means trouble, and left.

So four becomes three and then four again as Badtz and Science miss each other by about ten minutes. I think it was like 1-1:30 when Badtz finally arrived. My own intoxication had me off my usual perceptions. For example I did not realize Badtz was drunk until she told me later on. I also had virtually no sense of time. I think none of us did, as the following madness ensued…

So Badtz has been on her phone and we were talking as MCG was showing Bern Fairy some of his paintings in the studio.

“I don’t know if this is my ex some strange creepy dude in his 40s.” Badtz explains to me as she continues texting a stranger.

“How is that?” I ask.

“I lost my old phone. This person has a Columbus area code but won’t tell me who he is. I hope it’s my ex. What’s the address here?” I go ahead and tell her. She talks more about her ex and for some reason my brain is convinced it has to be her ex on the phone. Until the dude texts her that he is here. And we both start to panic. He tells Badtz to come outside alone, says he doesn’t want to meet her whole crew. Definitely doesn’t sound like her ex who I’ve met.

At this point Bern Fairy wants to call it a night and go home. Its after 2:30, it’s getting late.

“It’s not safe don’t go outside!” Badtz yells as she jumps on front of the back door blocking Bern Fairies exit. At this point we have to explain the situation to MCG who takes the whole situation very seriously. I started to do the opposite and became excited about solving the mystery. I wanted to see who it was. Badtz and I stormed outside but MCG and Bern Fairy followed closely. The strangers red car was parked across the street. His windows were tinted so we could not see inside. Badtz and I are about to cross the street when suddenly MCG yells at me to stop right there. Badtz keeps going. I watch her cross, I watch the window roll down, and I watch her lean in to speak to the guy in the driver’s seat. MCG and Bern Fairy are watching from the steps a few feet behind me.

Badtz returns quickly. She runs right past me.

“Lets get inside and lock the door,” She says. “It’s creepy dude stalker.” All four of us hurry inside. The red car stays parked. Bern fairy asks if its ok to leave now and Badtz yells no you must stay! She begins to tell us she’s scared just as MCG and I watch the guy get out of his parked red car. He walked left and was immediately lost from view. At this point MCG is very concerned. He demands for Badtz to call the guy.

Badtz, Bern Fairy and myself all watched with bated breath as MCG calls the stranger. He asks where the guy is going. Asks him why he is following Badtz around. We all watch as MCG listens to the phone. He finally says ok and hangs up. He informs us that the guy had gotten out of his car in order to go to a bar. We are all satisfied by that for about five minutes until suddenly I realize the time. Its 3am. The bars are closed. He was lying.               MCG calls the stranger yet again. He asks the guy where he is. Why he was lying. I believe there may have been some insults back and forth. Meanwhile me and Badtz are talking.

“He said he’s wanted to fuck me since 2011.” Badtz says right as MCG hangs up. So he immediately calls back.

“I didn’t realize what a weirdo you are. You’ve been stalking my friend since 2011?” MCG has been using intimidation tactic. He’s got it full throttle by the third call. “I think you need to go home,” MCG says. “Ive got a hammer right here and I’m itching to use it. I think you better go home right now.” All of the sudden MCG slams the hammer against the corner of the wall. The bang is loud and a small piece of wood breaks off. We all watch it fly across the room. The impact was startling, we all jump, Bern Fairy and Badtz Marue huddle together.

“Oh, you’re going to go home now? I’m glad to hear I’ve convinced you.” MCG and the stranger were on the phone the longest for that third call. MCG kept him on the line as he looked out the back door.

“Why can I still see your car?” We watched him ask.

“Ceiling fan?” MCG has a troubled expression. All of us look into the studio, to the ceiling fan which was currently running, currently lit and visible from the front porch window. “Your ceiling fan? So your home now, you took an Uber?” We all exhale. But deep inside a stomach twist of nervousness remains. He could have been lying. MCG finally ends the conversation.

“Well, he says he went home on an Uber.”


So that night both Badtz Maru and Bern Fairy stayed over. We had one blow up mattress and one collection of blankets on the floor. The next day we all had brunch together at Oddfellows, which was quite enjoyable but super crowded between 11-1. Bern Fairy when home, Badtz and myself walked up and down High street eventually coming across someone leaving from the cat show at the convention center. We saw four cats total, very cute worth the roaming.

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